Whale update

I'm huge. Like, literally.

I eat everything. Like, literally.

I think I'm done with pregnancy. This is the last one! There will be no more funny business until someone gets the snip. Like ... ok, good luck with that one.

Recessive gene drama

That awkward moment when your own first cousin asks if your kid's dad is Chinese, even though you're married to a pureblood Samoan. OMG.

Then your own daughter declares, "I am from Samoa, and Anty is from China!" LOL.

I don't know what the big deal is. He's obviously a Samoan. See for yourself.

Superwoman

These crazy hormones have given me the amazing superpower of supreme knowledge of everything!

e.g.
The man asks when Spock's due date is...
Me: "March 11th, but I would say it would be 1 to 2 weeks earlier."
Man: "Okaaay ... why?"
Me: "I don't think the lady who did our dating scan did it right."
Man: [confused] "Really?"

Now let me take a moment to explain that I have no medical training. I am not a midwife, an obstetrician, a radiologist, nor have I ever been a medical receptionist, or cleaner of any medical facility for that matter. Hence, the man's confusion. Now back to the story.

Me: "Yes. Remember, she was still a trainee and had a supervisor there to guide her?"
Man: [pretending to remember] "Uh-huh."
Me: "Well, she was supposed to be measuring crown-rump, but her hand was really unsteady and she wasn't quite getting it right. I reckon she dated us on a shorter crown-rump measurement than the baby's actual length. About a couple of weeks off."
Man: [now completely bewildered] "Okay."


Yep, it's lucky that I know everything, so we can just ignore all the medical professionals and listen to Google and the voices in my head (aka FIAPOKO!!). I've become one of those people that I loooooove to hate. Lord help me, but more so help the poor folks who cross my all-knowing path.

Wednesday

I'm a ray of sunshine today.

I'm working from home (what's new) with no car .

There's no bread in the house. No taro. No bananas. No bagels. No carbs. No point in going on. (OK maybe a tad dramad?)

I lost an hour of my morning on the ASOS website and coincidentally lost some money from my credit card around the same time. Weird.

The testers working with me on a project assigned me a "defect". It's not a defect. The only defect is in the workings of the brain of the person who didn't understand what was supposed to be happening. Hint: that person is not me.

BUT on the bright side ...

The sun is out in Wellington. That's on the same scale as pigs trying to fly.

The kids are both well and off to to be cared for and taught by paid professionals. Praise the LOOOOORRRRD!

I do have the Dominoes Pizza phone number, and a credit card. And they deliver. Get what I'm saying...?

Where there's a will, there's a wonderful Wednesday, wight?

Happy Humpday !!!

What to expect when you're expecting

Pregnancy hormones make a negro cray, so here are some activities you might want to ease up on.

1. Voting in any elections of any significance. Because you will vote for the underdogs. Who will probably lose. Then you will lament and vent on social media for them.

2. Going shopping. Because when you get charged full price at the checkout instead of the sale price shown on the racks, best believe you're gonna make them pay. At the expense of your dignity and your husband and children's pride.

3. Watching TV shows like Extreme Makeover Home Edition. I usually shed a tear or two of joy at the end of such shows. But hormonal imbalances result in full waterworks requiring a whole box of tissues, and that aloe vera crap ain't cheap.

4. Listening to depressing songs. All of a sudden you can relate to every bloody person's heartaches and suffering. More crying ensues. More unnecessary expensive tissue usage. Sam Smith, get some help.

5. Exercising. Not only have your hormones loosened up your joints and crap, but your tummy will make you off-balanced and likely to look even more gumby than usual, and you realise you are forever doomed to be a flabby, wobbly whale. Which you aren't in reality, but somehow you'll convince yourself that's the truth. Cue more wailing and gnashing of teeth, followed by excessive consumption of chocolate and honey toast.

But it's a blessing right?

[Grit teeth] Right!

Vote negative

Warnings: 
* This post contains rants about the NZ 2014 election results, so if you're not interested, move along.
* These are my own opinions based on my own observations and dot connection logic. If you don't like it, that's fine. If you don't agree, that's fine. If you start posting your rebuttals in my comment section, that's not fine. Capisce?
* I don't actually think ALL rugby players are dumb just most of them.


So the election results were disappointing.

I think the worst things about it for me were:

1. The overwhelming majority of New Zealanders value money over people. Perhaps a naive and maybe inaccurate generalisation of Nat voters, but I can't help but feel that when people say that they're voting for the party that will be "best for New Zealand", they mean what's best for me. Looking out for number one. That kind of makes me feel sad. I also know people who vote for Nats because of their "more Godly morals" that will supposedly lead the nation into prosperity. Godly morals ... don't make me laugh. That's a load of white middle class cow dung that doesn't wash with me.
2. All the Pacific Island "celebrities" who endorsed the Nats this election. It's easy to love the people who will help your stacks of money go further, aye brown brother. What are you doing to help your struggling people? I think you've taken one too many concussions, uce. Your moral compass is out of alignment. Didn't understand that? It means, Monique says you're dumb.
3. Last but not least, I felt really bad for Hone. Weird. There's something about Hone I really respect. I can't put my finger on it. Anyway, I found it sad when he lost Te Tai Tokerau.

Oh and last thing, I hate the fact that I live in Peter Dumb Dunne's electorate. UGH ... yuck yuck yuck ... I feel tainted. In case you haven't figured it out, for the record I did not vote for him, and he does not represent me.  As Scar put it, I'm surrounded by idiots.

And on that positive, cheerful and encouraging note, have a blessed week punks. Back to the mines I go, Donkey needs more gold.

Work tips

When people ask stupid questions, do not vent in your reply to them, especially in an email.

Example Option 1: 

Email reply with: "Read the spec, you fool!"

Example Option 2:

Vent out loud: "Read the spec, you fool!"

Then email reply: "I will look into your query right away."

Until you win the Lotto jackpot, I recommend always choosing Option 2, for a long and prosperous career. Or just a long one.

Happy Humpday, dancers!